I have hesitated on writing this post. This post is the reason why I didn’t even want to start a blog. My biggest fear when starting my blog on my weight loss journey was: What if I fail? What if I gain weight and I feel that I cannot continue my blog? I want to write about my successes, not my failures. But the reality is that this is life and there are real struggles. But the best part is that, if we choose to, we can learn from our struggles and mistakes. If I am going to do a blog on my weight loss journey, then I have to be 100% real. I need to be honest about the good, the bad and the ugly.

In my last blog I wrote about how I had been sick in September and was having trouble getting back on track. Let me give you a little history about my struggles with weight and then I will let you know what I have been learning through this process.

As you see in the pictures above, I have had many gains and losses over the past 15 years (Picture left to right, high school, my brother’s wedding 7 years ago, and now). From the age of 18 to the age of 27, I gained 90 pounds. And even during those 9 years I went on many strict and crazy diets but consistently gained weight. At the age of 18, when I was in my freshman year of college at the University of Dayton, I was raped by another student at the school. I went through many long hearings at school and left the school to come home. From there it was a downward spiral with food and drinking. And I started gaining weight. The weight was actually comfortable and in some ways acted as a barrier or wall to keep me safe.

Over 5 years ago, when I was 28, I turned my life over to Christ and started a journey to better myself and let go of my past. That year I actually lost 65lbs. Since then I have gone back and forth, losing and gaining. I am at the same weight right now, where I was when I lost those 65lbs. The crazy thing is that in the past 5 years there is a certain weight (where I am now) that I cannot break through. Every time I lose weight, I get to this number and something happens, ie. I get sick, hurt myself, or I go through a really stressful time in my life. Have you even seen a battering ram trying to bust down a door? That is what I feel like. I keep coming up to this wall in my weight loss journey and I am going at full speed and doing really well and then BOOM! I hit the wall. The physics behind the battering ram is that if you do not bust through the door or wall, the same energy that use to hit the wall will be reflected back at you. And that is where I am. I am in this cycle that needs to be broken. I lose 10 – 30lbs and then BOOM! Something happens and I gain 10 – 20lbs back and I am right back where I started. I am grateful that I am not all the way back to my highest weight. Amazing, I am still down the 65lbs from then. I have been praying about what has been holding me back from breaking through that wall and God has definitely been opening up my eyes.

There are a few different things that I have realized about myself in the past two months. When looking at old pictures of me from my highest weight, I was mad at myself and disgusted with myself. I was holding resentments against myself. I also realized I was still holding some resentments against people in my life. And I learned that I actually have some fears about losing weight. How crazy is that! The thing that I want the most also scares me the most.

With these revelations I realized I have some internal work to do.

  1. I will let go of the resentments against myself and my past. I will forgive myself and learn to truly love myself unconditionally.
  2. I will let go other the resentments I hold against other people and learn to love others the way that God loves me, which again is unconditionally.
  3. I will be aware of what my fears of losing weight are, face them and let go of them.
  4. Truly trust God and completely surrender to God, who can do the impossible and break down the walls that I have not been able to break through.

I believe God is going to take me through this journey and He is teaching me along the way and helping me to be the best version of me I can be. I believe in His promises in my life.

“I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.” Philippians 1:6

Keep a watch out for my posts in the coming weeks as I go through each of the areas, listed above, that God is taking me through. This journey is far from being over and I hope that you will join me.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1